Mummy politics

I am now an outcast from the mothers group.

Although this blog is supposed to be the record of my health journey, I am also a bit puzzled with the happenings of the mothers group I was/am a part of and hence decided to pour it in here. I am still making sense of the mothers' group and although I am not depressed by the happenings, it certainly brings to the fore, the politicking that goes on in the mothers' groups.

Ever since my daughter was born, my husband and I resolved that we would focus on a healthy food and activity lifestyle for our daughter. I am pleased to say that we think that we have done well over the past 3 years. Our daughter eats exceedingly well, does not know chocolate or juices and only has a piece of cake when it is someones birthday at childcare or if I am baking at home (which is not often). The results have been amazing. Instead of going to the chockie aisle in the supermarket, she heads for the punnets of cherry tomatoes, blueberries, carrots...which I am more than happy to buy for her whatever the cost. Her TV watching is also very closely monitored and from not being allowed to watch any TV, she is now allowed to watch 15-20 mins a day. We try and spend time being active and getting her out of the house than creating a couch potato. She helps me cook, is engaged in gardening, peeling garlic and knows textures and tastes..and all of this is by including her in the better part of me. She loves it all and is hungry for more exposure to activities and good foods. As a result, she is doing very well according to each of her check ups by the maternal child-case nurses.

However, this also became the cause for some alienation within the mothers group. When I was on maternity leave, she never ate from pre-cooked baby food and everything was made at home. While I do not judge people who chose to feed their kids food from jars, I chose not to because it was something I was not familiar with, bought one, tasted it and thought it was disgusting and decided not to, and also because my journey with my own weight made good food a personal journey and one that I wanted to get right with my child.

Going back to work full-time made another cause for subtle exclusion. I found that I was a better mother because I went to work. Although I love being a mother, I find that I enjoy my little ones company so much and love playing with her, goosing around with her, laughing with her and taking in her wonderful company because I work full time. I basically do 5 days work in 4 days and get to hang out with her over a week day and weekend. She goes to childcare 3 days and hubby does the same and hangs with her one week day besides the weekend. We have a new mortgage, no family or cousins to rely on and although the pressure is on, I happen to think that we do pretty darn well. Acknowledging that I love being a working mum put another spanner in the works.I think the position that I love working and being the mother cast a judgement upon me as to how dare I give the same importance to work as to my child. So much for independent women - who give no support to their counterparts in the workforce and make cries for equality.

I think I realised that there was this envy when my daughter was very little. Most of the mothers in the group had kids that did not sleep well at night whereas mine did, she always ate good food and was generally the happiest kid while most of the other kids ate lollies and burgers very early on. Then the comparisons began to fly. Phrases began to start with, I know your daughter sleeps through the night but.......; I know your daughter doesn't eat lollies but.......; I know your daughter is not allowed to watch TV but......... I think it reached a point where I just stopped talking about her because I wondered if I was talking her up more than the other kids....I see that the gradual alienation began there. The rest began when a mother was caught out lying and she began to feel uncomfortable around me. This seemed to set the tone for the other to follow suit. So now, I  find that lack of response from the others a tad confusing and childish, not to mention off-putting.

this is just my rant for the day. There is also the element of group dynamics which I will explain in another blog at another time. I just felt the need get this out there because it is amazing how a herd can function. And for all the mothers out there who are trying to do the right thing for their children, sometimes there can be a social price to pay for ensuring your child's well-being, simply because others' may not be able to do so and might feel lesser and resentful for it. My take on it is simply, if they ain't gonna support well-being and feel competitive about it, it's best to leave them behind and forge on ahead. I know the importance of my child's well-being and will always prioritise it over any petty politicking. I simply refuse to keep up with the Joneses by giving my child crappy food, habits and behaviour. It just means more time to spend with her doing fun stuff.

Mindfulness.......I want to be mindful and consistent

I often wonder about the people who manage to be consistent about good food and exercise. I know it is possible because a number of the lovely bloggers I read about manage to do it. 'What is this mantra'? I have wondered in the past. Are they all OCD? I know that the people that tend to have the least issue with strict compliance to rules and regulations are OCD or so I have been told.


I must admit that I struggle a lot less with exercise in comparison to diet. Once I am on the exercise bandwagon, I feel good and thrive on it. In fact it would almost be fair to say that once in-schedule I love exercising. But food, that is another thing altogether. I love food and in particular sweets. Even when I am on a period of trying to eat well, every meal and snack is a torture. I can very easily lose the plot just because I enjoy the taste of food and am certainly not minimalist in this area. One of the things that somewhat makes it better is having three meals instead of also having snacks. Through trial and error, I have found that snacks do not work for me. Once I finish breakfast I wait for the morning snack and then for lunch and so on and so forth. However, once I have a meal and know that I do not have anything to eat until lunch, surprisingly there are no signs of hunger or craving until lunch. So one of the aims is to have three meals instead of a snack as well which I am better at at work than home coz with a toddler, there is always some dabbling with food prep.

Although I could have been heaps better with my eating since the re-commencement of my journey, I am more than happy with my exercise.My goals were:

Monday - Walk up the 12 floors to work - DONE
Tuesday - Walk home from work - RAINED so had to miss
Wednesday - Spin class at 6 pm - MISSED
Thursday - Walk - DONE
Friday - Spin class - DONE
Saturday - Boxing - DONE
Sunday  - Go with the flow

While it is not perfect, I do think it is a good start for the first week. The surprises for me were the stairs. I was dreading it and initially thought that if I could get 4 flights done then I would be fine. However, I did manage to get the lot done in 10 mins or thereabouts. Maybe I am fitter than I give myself credit for? The spin class was another surprise. I did not expect that I would be able to last the whole class but was able to. This felt great and I loved it. I was so proud of myself and challenged myself further yesterday when I went for the next spin class. I can still feel the pain.

This blog feels all over the place but it is also because I have so many things going on in my mind. Feeling balanced is another indication of consistency. I feel that I take things a lot more seriously than most. If something bothers me I eat, if I am stressed I eat, if I am happy I eat. Eating seems to have become the core of my being and shifting it or replacing it seems to be akin to taking something out of my core. However, in this whole thing, if I get to the other side having shifted the core I will consider myself as having succeeded.

More talkies later :)

So, I'm going for a spin class this morning

BEFORE THE SPIN CLASS
So, I'm going for a spin class this morning and I am a wee bit nervous and excited. It will last for 60 mins and includes core exercise. So I am presuming that 45 mins of it will be the hard core spin bit and the remaining 15 mins will be core...or who knows...maybe the last 15 mins will be the core whilst spinning bit just in case some of us show some signs of life.I will of course update this blog on how I went with the spinning and did I make it or not but my plan is to do my best and if I cannot really do it then hey it is not the end of the world.

Food wise, I thought that I did okay yesterday and although I was not in the calorie range I had specified, I ate really well and was a lot more conscious with my portions in comparison to other times when I do not think and just go on eating. I am aware that I need to drink more water than I did yesterday. I think I might have just had around 1.5 liters or thereabouts. But that is just the feedback from yesterday.

Although I will be having fortnightly weigh ins, I have a weekly weigh-in next week because I have a physical exam associated with the study I am participating in. Then I have another meeting the week after which makes it a weekly weigh-in for the next two weeks. Although I hate weigh-ins I am not dreading these. I have accepted that they need to be done and might as well go willingly rather than kicking and screaming particularly when the goal is to get me to be healthy.

AFTER SPIN CLASS
I survived.....Yeah!!!
The class was hard. I expected to find myself slumped over the bike but I made it. I did my best and did it. Right after the class I wandered around walking for about an hour and then 2 tram stops away from home, I suddenly felt my muscles begin to whine and I felt my glutes and calves and thighs and finally decided to hop on a tram.
I was also so hungry that I could not wait to put my food together (note to self: always keep the food ready) and so I ended up buying 3 brown rice sushi rolls, one banana and one yoghurt without sugar and one of my Optifast bars which is a lot I know but I was so hungry and I am so happy that even though I went to the Super market and saw chocolates and other things, I walked away without buying them and made a little promise to myself that the next time I crave chocolate when I am at the supermarket, I will buy berries or anything healthy whatever the cost.

I am feeling happier than before. I feel relaxed and it was weird that when things got a bit hard at the spin class, I just kept chanting to myself that I can do it. The repetition helped a little bit in giving me something to focus on.

FOOD
My eating was good till about 5.30pm and then sheer hunger gave way and I caved to 2 pieces of toast with cheese. And now I am full. Hmm more lessons...keep some carrot sticks ready. Again very happy with the day. I think I have done well. Looking forward to tomorrow

Official Weigh-In completed and we are officially open for business

So today I had my weigh-in and I am 123.78 kilos.

I feel in a better place in my head and I need to tackle this. My next weigh in will be on the 30th of October and we are going to try and do this fortnightly.

Tomorrow my plan is to try and be outdoorsy with my daughter and generally not slob around at home.Food plan wise I will aim to be between the 1000-1200 calories ball park. I know I can be healthier and it is time to beat that 123.78. I will do my best and try and think more when I am about to let the ball slip.

I don't know what else to write today. When I went for my weigh in, a massive woman who could not walk and had to be wheelchair bound was in the elevator with me. Although I was not disgusted or horrified, my heart did say a little prayer for her and wish her the best. But equally importantly, I am going to take the sight of this woman and turn it around from a fear in my head into a challenge to improve my own health.

I know that the challenge is going to be to get my plan off to a start as planned but I have decided that I will be doing my best to not think of the mountain I am climbing and just think of each day at a time. 

I have still not decided on whether I am going to go the VLCD way or 1200-1400 calories and I believe that right now that is not important because they are both challenging aims to aspire to. So I have decided that just for the moment I am going to aspire to being clean with my food and try and keep it in one or the other category. Even if it does not fall into either category, as long as I am eating in moderation and quite clean.

Things to keep in mind for tomorrow

• Drink loads of water
• Always keep something in the pocket for emergencies. 

That's it then. I am not going to make this complicated.I will sign off with wishing myself all the very best.

Getting active and further planning

In the last couple of days I have been so inspired by so many successful weight loss comrades. The take home message from their success has been:

 - It has to be about eating well and exercising, not just one of the other,
 - Being mindful at all times - in other words, being switched on instead of living in semi-automation and not being wholly aware. Really being engaged with yourself all the time,
 - Being kind and forgiving to yourself and moving on. I am my worst enemy and this is one that I am having to learn from scratch. I tend to have these lofty standards and when I fail I also start owning the feeling of worthlessness and despair. This is something that has caused me much stress and something I really need to work on.
 - Be positive about it. Love what one is am doing. Enjoy the process instead of thinking of it as a chore. I know that for me sometimes it becomes this far away goal that seems so very far away...50 kilos is not easy but if year after year I keep thinking of it as 50 kilos and giving up, I am never going to get anywhere. Why dread it if it is something that will get me out of jail.

My activity action plan is:

Monday - Walk up the 12 floors to work
Tuesday - Walk home from work
Wednesday - Spin class at 6 pm
Thursday - Walk
Friday - Spin class in the morning at 9.30 am - sit in the sun and read a book and meditate. No housework day.
Saturday - Boxing
Sunday  - Go with the flow

Food Plan
As much as I am going with the weight loss thing, I think I need to seriously consider either going full throttle with it as in 12 weeks intensive VLCD or doing my 1200-1400 calories a day thing. I do know that so far I have been unsuccessful with the VLCD. I know I have followed it for one week and seen instant results. I am not sure whether the answer for me is to do it as per the original plan and persist (since consistency is the name of the game), or whether I need to do the 1200-1400 calories a day thing where I can have a range of things. I am not sure and I do not know what the answer is. I am leaning towards the VLCD as I believe in this way I am complying with the study and also it is a way of getting off to a good start and will possibly assist in the consistency thing as there is not much to think. The food is already laid out down pat - and it is portable wherever I go. Hmm clearly some thinking needs to go into this.
I have made enquiries about yoga, pilates and more mindfulness stuff. I am hoping to learn a bit more about lessening my stress levels and I think that with time and gradual weight loss I should have more positive results regarding stress.

Im afraid of....

I'm afraid of
 - Dying before my time
 - Having a stroke
 - Stress killing me
 - Not ever losing the weight
 - Not laughing enough
 - Not spending enough time with family
 - Snapping too much at my lovely husband
 - Losing my parents
 - Losing my daughter or husband
 - Telling my mother-in-law that she is insensitive and bordering on racist
 - Not exercising enough
 - Not loving myself enough
 - Making my support network sick of supporting me

 Most of all. I'm afraid of not living enough.
Almost all of the things I have named above are related to health and this is all without me consciously thinking of naming health related. On the one hand it is good to note that it is related to one issue - health and on the other hand it also signifies what I keep thinking about most of the time.

All this makes me ask aloud...is it worth being so worried about these things that you forget to live in the present? Probably not. However, if I cannot let it be then I probably need to make a deal with myself. And that is to try and do my best without owning the stress.

How do I do this?
 - Walk more than I currently do
 - Learn meditation
 - Learn mindfulness.
 - Be kind to myself
 - Forgive myself and learn from the error of my ways
 - Be kind to myself

Over the last 2 days that I have tried to eat better, I have also eaten some bad chocolate at work but it is better than I used to although there is still a lot of room for improvement. I have felt a sense of relief in forgiving myself and am learning that aiming for perfection is a goal for those that are either OCD or people that want to keep hating themselves for failing and fail they will as perfection is an unrealistic aim.

Mindfulness is something I have only just been introduced to. It refers to paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, consciously and in the present moment. It is different to meditation in that it refers to being attentive in a non-judgemental manner where meditation is engaging in a mental exercise to reach a heightened level of spiritual awareness.

I am willing to give mindfulness a try and also meditation although I must admit that mindfulness seems to heighten my curiosity much more particularly as it has to do with heightened awareness of the present and  what I have researched of it seems interesting enough to warrant a try. I will admit that I am likely to try both.

I am trying and at present it all feels uncomfortable, boring, tiring, achy...but I know if I persist for at least 2 weeks I will see the ray of some light creeping through when I start enjoying the exercising. Of all my little steps, a step I am going to take tomorrow is to meet my husband and daughter at a lake near where we live and go for a 5 km walk around it before settling down to a nice picnic dinner....I am both dreading and looking forward to it.

Here's to tomorrow.

The story thus far

Since my last blog I have been doing a number of things to try and lose weight - none have worked. I have ended up with a sackful of issues I need to resolve and therein might lie the nirvana of losing weight.

To take us back to the last six months, I ended up signing up for a weight loss study in one of the major research centres which are doing a heap of great work to try and understand obesity. I wanted to participate in this study for a range of reasons:
 - a form of volunteering that I am more comfortable with rather than the more direct means such as soup kitchens that involve direct interaction.
 - I would end up getting everything happening in my body tested for no cost...yay!!!
 - Accountability as I would need to see them fortnightly to report.

So the study started on a great note with me losing 3.5 kilos in the very first week although it was a tough week. I was working with 800 calories only and I had to have these optifast bars and follow some instructions. The idea was to ensure that I did not go beyond the 800 calories, bring my body into ketosis mode where the body would move towards taking the required energy from the fat stores which would enable the weight loss at a rapid rate.

Great and easy in theory. Just follow the instructions and it is all done. Weight loss is so easy!!

However, I did not bargain with the frustration of not keeping up with the plan. A few months ago I even decided to drop the study and with much coaxing from my husband and self introspection decided not to give up the study and see it through. Once the decision was made that I would not drop out of the study, it felt better. I now had to face the other demons the study highlighted:
 - My blood pressure needed to come down. It was 160/90 or thereabouts. It has remained at these levels over the past 5 months that I am aware of and this is expert opinion after having done the 24 hour blood pressure test at 0 and 3 monthly intervals.
 - I suffer from hypertension where the research team feels strongly that I need to be on blood pressure medication but my GP does not think so and would like to monitor me over the next few months before putting me on lifelong medication.
 - I am on 3 days a week work only on Drs orders to deal with stress as I have been crumbling a lot lately. I am a few weeks short of beginning a mental health plan to be able to deal with stress.
 - The stress I suffer from is a direct response to work where I have been feeling more and more discontented due to the absence of ethical values. As integrity is something I rate very highly, working in a workspace that lacks it is slowly eating away at me and my self esteem which when coupled with issues I am already trying to deal with - becoming healthy etc is practically killing me.

I work for public service. The place where I work is inundated with examples where people who manage to build their careers do so having these Tony Soprano like 'Godfathers' behind them. People are secretly offered secondments and these secondments extend to periods that go beyond legitimate workplace agreements. Another area of the department have recruitment based on a who you know basis. Opportunities are given to those in the special club. For those of us that aren't special - it just means to keep working head down and forget about any opportunities. Being a working mum there is the dealing with perception that you are at work just to earn the money and not to build your career. I found that slowly this was eroding my self esteem and killing me deep inside. I have been one to stand up for things where integrity is concerned. Realising that the demon is way bigger than me and that the rot is systemic and more than capable of devouring me is killing the feeling that I work for an organisation that is expected to have higher than average values. Conversely the work I do is fun and I like doing the work I am employed to do, my family life is more than averagely happy and I am so fortunate to have that. Yet, it the impact the unethical practices in my organisation have directly impacts my health.

My response to this situation has been to disengage from the entire office and bury myself in my work. I do not interact with a lot of people. I think it reached a point where I began to feel numb and started to break. Although my lovely husband recognised these signs months before I did, I only accepted that there was a problem and that all the stress was manifesting itself in decreasing the quality of my health 3 days ago.

So with the help of my lovely family, GP and research institute, I am determined to take the required steps to gain the quality of my life back. I could go on and on about my stress factors but suffice to say, the next few months of my life are going to be engaged in learning how to cope with stress, lowering my weight, being more active.

I am suddenly relieved at having the chance to do more things just for me. Nurturing and healing myself. It feels weird to have some time to myself and I am trying very hard not to feel guilty about it. More on this later.

LIFE AND FOOD PLAN..not necessarily in this order

- Clearly I still have to lose the weight. At 122 kilos I still have to lose enough weight to bringing a whole other person out of myself. That is not going to be my focus although activity and great food is. I just want to lose 6.1 kilos for the moment. Why? Coz this will be 5% of my current weight and I know that it will go a long way in making me feel so much better. While this is my ultimate aim - I am not going to focus on the number but more on the LIFESTYLE.
 - The aim is also to include MEDITATION in my current plans. There have been benefits associated with meditation which I need to explore. A friend has already been going for meditation classes and has offered to take me along. So maybe that is an avenue I need to explore. Even as much as dip my toe in it and go from there.
- WALK, walk and walk...it has been known to have a lot of benefits. Continue the boxing and think of the spin classes to feel better and keep the heart rate high.

There are so many things I can aim for but I can't get rid of this feeling that even with just three aims, my plate is full and if I can just manage these without stress then I am on my way to feeling better myself. I have a great support network...my lovely husband, gorgeous daughter, friends I need to allow to help me. So here is to a healthier, happier life. Cheers

2013 here I come - this time we are going to get there

Hello 2013 - since the last time I blogged - I have been extremely naughty and am now paying the price for it.
 - I have not been to gym for a month now
 - I have eaten very very very badly. ..And yes I mean very badly
 - I lost my mojo
 - I may be getting it back but not sure

Xmas came and went and I continued to celebrate and now I feel like every body part is hanging around me and continues to move after I have stopped. I feel big and lumpy and dowdy and lack the self confidence these days which is a change from how good I was beginning to feel.

I have drawn up contingency plans and made some rules of engagement. I wrote a sugar diary from the 1st of jan onwards for myself and also my husband who thinks that there is something wrong with some part of me that is not working as I work out so very much. However, time and again I have said to him that he does not see me eat when we are not in front of each other.

My Sugar Diary
01 Jan 2013 - 1 rum and raisin bar - a whole 15 cubes
02 Jan 2013 - Almost one whole bag of easter eggs at work - felt yucky
03 Jan 2013 - 1 rum and raisin bar, 2 pcs almond cake, 2 smoothies - yucky again
04 Jan 2013 - 2 brownies, store bought cold coffee, 1 crepe with sugar and lemon, 5 easter eggs
05Jan 2013 - white chocolate (cooking), 4 pcs bread and jam, 1 piece baklava
06 Jan 2013 - 1.5 pcs baklava, more white chocolate cooking buttons
07 Jan 2013 - white chocolate buttons and stuff I now cannot remember
08 Jan 2013 - White chocolate buttons
09 Jan 2013 - 1 strawberry jam iced donut, final bout of white chocolate buttons
10 Jan 2013 - loads of bread and jam, 1.5 pcs baklava
11 Jan 2013 - 3 iced donuts and 1.5 pcs baklava

So as u can all see, this amount of sugar is like living with a death wish. Which has helped along the way with my expansion. It is amazing how knowing you have a problem with one food type makes diarising it easier than writing a full on diary which can and has for me been very cumbersome in past. With the sugar, I have known for a while now that I have an issue with this food groups and i kept a pretty accurate diary of how much of it I was taking.

Hence I am finally thinking of going with a food plan that the revered Donna Aston drew up for me.
My weight then was 117.9 kgs and now it is 122 since I last weighed and have not gotten on the godforsaken scales yet in the new year. With the food plan she recommended, there is a nice balance although it does not seem like enough. I guess I eat so much now that anything less seems miniscule in comparison. Mind you, there will be some tweaking as she has recommended that I can use balsamic vinegar for my salad dressing but this has a lot of sugar so I will not be using it. Mind you, the menu is simple and not too complicated and has suggested that I tweak it to suit. I think for me the challenge is going to have to be the portions but hey this was never meant to be easy. When to start? Hmm lets get to that later.

 I did not want to go to gym but now I have and am feeling so much better for it. I feel like I have lost a lot fo energy and cannot lift as much as I could which is annoying. I am so sore - but then again - it will get better and it is not half as bad as I expected it to be. So I am now back at gym although with the complexities of my new place of employment, I will be finishing this set of sessions which means by febbish I should be in anew gym which is annoying but it is way too hard getting to the old gym. But that also later. Meanwhile the plan is to exercise 3 days a week regularly and try and go for walks the other days. All this should be down pat in another week or 2 max. I am also looking for a new gym closer to home which will save me a whole lot of time.

2013 a  year of change you reckon?