The last five weeks

The last 5 weeks have been very very interesting. I learned a lot of things about myself and my body, some of which I am still going to investigate further. Essentially in the last five weeks there have been a number of changes happening around me and below are my ramblings on the facts and feelings of the last five weeks.

THE FACTS
 - I went sugar free for 11 days - a record for me as my previous best was 4 days.
 - I am looking for a new job. I think I need to rustle up some changes
 - Although I do not lose my job, I have been transferred to another work area as my work area is closing. 
 - I went on holiday and enjoyed taking time out; but while on holiday learned that:
 - My uncle is dying of cancer and has been given only 3-4 months to live.
 - My parents will not be coming over to visit me as my uncle (mums brother) is dying.
 - I am getting a range of blood tests to figure out liver function, thyroid etc as it is time this was done.
 - I have gone back to sugar and feel yucky
 - I am participating as a volunteer in a study which will investigate the effects of exercise training on outcomes for obese individuals following a very calorie controlled diet.
Gee when I look back at the five weeks in the dot points above - it does seem like it has been rather full on doesn't it?

THE FEELINGS
Sugar
 - Going sugar free was great. I cancelled all the obvious foods such as cakes, biscuits etc but also anything with fructose so no fruits or any foods where sugar or fructose was listed as an ingredient. Weirdly, I felt really good. I did not get any sugar cravings at all. This to me was a surprise. I expected a number of things - mainly a sense of deprivation, cravings, headaches, dizziness and everything in between. I did not feel any of these things. I felt calm and in control. Unfortunately, my stumbling block occurred when I was out with the girls on a posh dinner out. Everyone had dessert and I felt like there was this peer pressure to have dessert too as we do not go out often and it was for me the first time I had gone out like this with the girls.So it was here that I broke the sugar free goal of 12 weeks and no sugar. I was disappointed in myself and as a reaction to the no sugar rule, I went on a sort of rampage during my five day holiday eating everything in between from chocolate to ice cream and all. Apart from the rum and raisin ice-cream I had, I did not enjoy any of the chocolate I had AT ALL. This is a surprise. We also stopped at a place where they handcrafted chocolate and although I bought 2 pieces for me, I did not really enjoy it at all. Is my palate changing? I also learned that habits that are formed over many many years tend to very easily fall back on old habits when they do not get conscious direction. Often they are not because one enjoys the taste or the flavour but due to lack of active mind-brain engagement. That's what I think anyway because I know I was relaxed and out of my usual environment where I try and plan everything and in particular meals. I also know that I was thinking of other things linked to the holiday - feeling annoyed with myself for giving up on the sugar, a little anxiety over the new job, sad about my uncles terminal illness, sad about his family and wondering how my mum would cope particularly as he is only 57 years old and should have been more aware and got tested at the right time.I am missing being sugar free and I think I will have to work on a more sustainable sugar-free strategy where if I have had to cave into peer pressure it does not have to mean the end but can be incorporated into the one or two sugar allowances in a month or so. I don't know the finer details of my sugar free strategy yet but watch this space.
The blood tests
Getting my blood tests happened quite by chance. I took my daughter to the GP as she was not well and after sorting her out, he asked me casually how I was going. I mentioned how I was battling to lose weight and not being very successful in changing the numbers on the machine although my body looked heaps better than a year ago. He suggested we get a test etc and go from there. It has been at least 3 years since I last got my bloods done and so I thought it was a good idea. Now that I have the script in my hand I am a little bit anxious. It is scary and I want it to come clear and sorted. Part of me is delaying it just that bit although I have given myself the deadline that next Thursday is when I will get it done at the very latest. So here goes.One of the things the GP suggested was also that I needed to up the cardio and lessen the working with weights. I agree with the up the cardio bit as I know I do not do enough cardio, however I disagree with the lose the weights or reduce the weights thing. So I have decided to up the cardio and stay with the weights. I am thinking of ways in which I can do my exercise post the gym as once this pay period (which I think will end in feb) ends I will not renew. At $90 a week, it is becoming a little steep and I think I could find classes to go to once or twice a week closer to home.
Volunteer 
My husband came across the advert for volunteering by a prestigious research institute and suggested I participate. I have got in touch with them and we are in process of establishing whether I can or cannot volunteer. I believe I will be able to as they seem rather keen. I am waiting to hear back as we have been missing each other on phone. I will find out more details before I agree to participate as one of the groups is also going to function on low calorie diet and the other on exercise. I am not a big fan of low calorie diet as I just do not see the benefits having been there and done that in which case I will pass. I am keen to know more and make my decision from thereon. So another watch this space item.
New changes
There are changes I am planning on which will hopefully carry us through to the new year and we will decide what needs to be done from thereon. I love good healthy food and I am now determined to put up a salad every day this summer for each meal. This I believe will be kind to the taste buds and health. My daughter it is pleasing to see does not seem to care for fried stuff and we seem to be raising a healthy little girl who loves being active and the outdoors.
I also want to focus on being kind to myself. I am always more critical to myself and I want to stop. I am tired of running myself down and focus on what I cannot do or failed to do instead of what I can do and am good at doing. Stress I am learning is what I do well and I need to change it as it is not good for my family's and my health. I have to be more grateful for what I do have - a fantastic husband and a lovely little girl. So the next few weeks for this year will focus on eating well, working well and enjoying our little family.
I will try and get a post in before the new year but if not - merry Christmas and a very happy new year.

Update: Things are improving

Things are improving at my end. I have not weighed myself yet and maybe it is not a good idea to do so BUT I have officially bought a size 18 which fits me properly instead of 20 or 22. That must mean something. My clothes fit better and I feel better too.

This post is likely to be a collection of random blahs because my thought process today lacks flow and structure. Possibly due to my fitness getting better by miles and miles. The day began with us going for a little walk 3km at the Bunyip forest, baby in a pram and all. It was only a 3 km walk but at least half of it was an upward slope and I was pushing the pram rejecting all offers of assistance by my husband. This was a shock to him as previously I have always raved and ranted and hated going bush walking. I am not a fan of the great Australian wildlife bar the koalas and kangaroos - snakes terrify me and so do all the lizards etc, being unfit does not make it any more attractive and having a buggered ankle is worse. Clearly I am changing in ways I have not ever considered because I enjoyed the little bush walk and insisted on pushing the pram as I felt that I had to add some more degree of difficulty to also make it a mini workout. Result, a little sweat and loads of fun and satisfaction. I might do this again I reckon!

I think through all the moaning and groaning I have been doing about not losing much or anything, one thing that is absolutely remarkable is the status of my fitness these days if I say so myself. I feel really fit even though clearly I have weight to shake off. I have been doing copious amounts of weight and interval training. I am also keeping a closer look at my food. I have discovered quinoa which sort of has replaced my rice, pasta and so on. I am eating loads more fibre, experimenting with a lot more recipes and basically feeling really good. I am still in shock that I am feeling like I just read a book in bed instead of wheeling a pram with a 13 kilo baby and food supplies uphill for at least half of the way. What am I doing?

I exercise my butt off 4 days a week at gym to the point where I am so hammered that I have lactic acid running through my body instead of blood. I crawl home and stagger through cooking, bathing baby and putting her to bed - of course I have immense support from my husband in all these chores. I have also tried to start writing a food diary which has been a hit and a miss but essentially I now report to my trainer and tell him what I am or have eaten, in particular the bad stuff. I am eating loads of salads and even then I am not eating enough vegetable and salad to make 5 serves! That should tell you that I am definitely not going hungry.

The bush walk today gave me a lot of confidence. I think I don't mind the idea of going again and maybe also going for a long bicycle ride with hubby for a few days might be in the pipeline. I feel fit enough to not feel like the class slow-coach. The new strategy starting tomorrow has to be to now get back to monitoring fat too now that sugar is somewhat okay (though not perfect still). Week 1 of my fitness week has come and gone and now to week 2 woohoo.

I look at my self in the mirror and although I can still see changes, the scary thing is that I have such a long long way to go. That really bothers me and bugs me. I know quick fixes are what have buggered my body and so I do not want to do them again - it has to be done the right way - slow and steady - but then will I last that long? sometimes that is an easy yes and sometimes not.

Ah well tonight I am high on myself and so I will enjoy it instead of thinking dark thoughts - best of luck to all for the week ahead - I know I need the luck!

Fail, Fail, Fail......and the saga continues

I almost gave up a few days ago. I did not have a successful sugar free week. I just wanted to crouch under the doona (also known as duvet outside Australia) and never wake up. I seem to be quite addicted to the sugar monster and I do not think that the gradually giving up sugar theory that I prescribed to is working. Indeed even when I decided to give up sugar for a week there was this feeling that at least sugar would be waiting for me after the one week. The burning desire to succeed in not having sugar for at least a week did not burn that brightly after all. Maybe I meant it only in the blog although I can swear in earnest that while I was writing the blog I did mean every bit of it. Maybe I am one of those bloggers that will never lose weight and will always just write about the various things I am trying to do without actually fully doing them. Possibly a lack of commitment? Or is it really the true challenge of losing weight and its associated emotional battle. I will admit a large part of this thing we call will, desire, commitment, strength is all indicative of the power of the mind.

As I was thinking of closing the blog down I got my first ever comment on the paleo loaf recipe I had published in the previous post. With it was the writers blog address (k-lossfitness) for future recipes should I desire to experiment. I went on to her blog and did a bit of reading. Journeys of people that are successful or getting to where they want to be always interest me as I wonder what worked for them and the way their mind worked through all their battles. One comment in this blog stuck with me and rang true. I quote: If you feel you are not getting longer, leaner muscles from doing weights, then you arent lifting heavy enough and you are still eating wrong. I think while my body has changed considerably over the last 6 months, I was initially under the impression that my nutrition was not that bad and that although there was room for improvement it certainly was of the stage where results would still show. Hence, the desire to stop having sugar which was the one element of my nutrition without which my eating would be several notches higher than it currently is. I thought about this comment for a while and considered whether I had been doing enough weights. I knew without a shadow of doubt that I was definitely doing enough weights and heavy weights. I knew that in my case it was about eating wrong. Then I thought about what my trainer does as I still like to take a peek at whatever he is eating. He said to me that Monday-Friday he treats food as fuel, something he has to eat as he needs it. Over the weekend he tastes food and enjoys it. Whilst this philosophy may not work for a lot of us, it works for him and I needed to find my philosophy.

The desire to lose weight is driven from various directions:

• Lose weight to live longer for my lovely daughter and have an active life with her.
• Lose weight for myself to be healthy and happy.
• Banish the myth I grew up with: you can never lose weight as this is in your genes. (I wonder where my genes were when I wasn't obese?). Although I hate admitting it, to an extent it is to prove that you can change your life and body around instead of just giving up and blaming it on genes. 
• Do the active things I have wanted to without the fear of looking ridiculous. For example it hurt the other day when at work drinks a girl was talking about fielding a work netball team. She needed six people and we were seven around the table. She automatically bypassed me and asked the rest if they wanted to join in to form team even though at least three others had never played the sport. While I know for a fact that she did not intend to snub me or judge me, the fact that it happened so naturally and with the assumption that I would/could not be interested was annoying.

The way I saw it, there were two options. Either I give up and forget about this battle, or I don my armour again and set off for the next battle, a little bit wiser and smarter. I compared how I feel now versus how I felt all those months ago when even walking to the station to catch the train to work huffed and puffed me out. The days when I felt as though I would die on my way to catching the train. My husband would look worriedly at me as I must have looked like death trying to make it to the train. I would also snap at him for making me chase the train by not leaving early enough. Those were the days when I needed 15 minutes for the 500metres to get to the train station. Now, although I still don't like it if I have to run to get the train if we leave late, I actually get there and I am not dead or dying.

So, I have decided to rise again. I do not know what my strategy is but I will try again. Whether I like it or not, I will have to cancel sugar in almost all forms. Exercise is going well but I will ensure I continue the commitment to exercise (this is the easy one). One of the obvious things to do is to plan my meals and measure them to ensure the quantities are balanced and who knows keep a food diary. So for the moment, I am back in the running. Lets see what I can do. 120.1.

Sugar Free and Day 1

I have decided that I will try and be sugarfree for 1 week. As prep for this I decided to bake something sweet without sugar and ended up with the Paleo Loaf which I eventually liked :

                                                              
PALEO LOAF
 

 Ingredients:
200g Almond meal
2 tsp baking powder
2 dsp apple puree
4 eggs
chopped walnuts
1 grated carrot
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
Method:
Mix together the almonds, baking powder and apple sauce (you can add another egg or some almond milk if its too thick). Add the carrot, then the blueberries and walnuts (leave some for the top). Pour the mix into a loaf tin then sprinkle with the remaining walnuts. Put in a pre-heated oven a gas mark 4 or 180C for about 40 minutes. Check by putting in skewer if it comes out clean your loaf is good to go : )
Note: I used apple puree which does not have any added sugar. The recipe originally called for apple sauce but all the ones in the super market contained sugar.
 Taste:
It did not taste sweet. Texture is great and I think I focussed on texture because it was not sweet. My understanding is that if I make this 2 weeks later and I am sugar free for the 2 weeks - I will be able to taste the sweetness. So while the first bite was a bit of a shock, I did enjoy it eventually as I could see the potential. My husband loved it and has taken a piece for work. My little 18 month old daughter will learn to love it as she is not allowed sweets and for her, she will be able to actually taste it. If you find you definitely need some sweetness then add some sultanas. I didn't as they are high in sugar.

Although I am not going 100% paleo, I know from past experiments that it does make me feel good in the gut. I think  for the moment, until I really get into the swing of things, I will just do what I did earlier and try not to carb too much after 5pm, be somewhat paleo (a post for another day), and be sugar free with 2 fruit a day allowance.
Reason? Reality check - weighing in at 119.7 as of today. So Ive got to get the arse moving.......