I dropped the ball

I have been missing from my blog for a while now Feb 7th being the last blog. I think I got caught up with everything else and dropped the ball.

Ever since my psych and naturopath appointment, I felt this pressure to perform. No doubt pressure I had placed on myself. But I just could not handle it. We had decided that on my daughters birthday I would eat ONE piece of cake and then get rid of the remainder so there was none at home for me to go on eating. To an extent I did this but it took a while to get rid of this cake as it ended up being a 4 kilo (maybe more) monster. My bestie offered to do the cake as she loves to bake. It was a delicious cake shaped like a butterfly but it was really massive. I boxed most of the cake in 3 boxes one each for hubby and me to take to work for workmates and another one for mny daughters childcare workers. It took us 3 days to get rid of all this and even then there was some left over and of course I was open for the cake eating business. I did what I ahve done for years - ate and ate till I was sick but continued to eat it. With each bite I blamed myself for eating it but could not find it in me to stop. Eventually I did - but that was because the cake finished.

Since then I have been trying to take stock of my weight issues again and since then have weighed 119.4 and it is through no trying on my part. I thought I would have been back to where I started as I did get out of control a bit. Why the change I wondered? and that too a reduction? I then realised that was because I went back to work after my holidays and that means a quick 600 m walk to the train station and another 12-15 mins from station to work and back. Possibly this minimum movement on my part counteracted the cake eating binge. Although I am grateful for the loss, I am certainly not feeling any sense of achievement apart from a sigh of relief. In the same time I have also started eating carb like never before and feel yucky and stodgy. I think it works differently for everyone and I believe that while there can be no stock standard response to weightloss as - STOP EATING CARB AND YOU SHALL LOSE WEIGHT - I think for me, my body likes less carb as it feels lighter and bowel movements are better, I have more energy and vibrancy, skin tone is all aglow etc.

So meanwhile I am still thinking of staggering my next appointment with the naturopath and catching up with her in 6 weeks. In these 6 weeks, IF I can stay focussed I will be back at gym hauling my arse there and working out like never before. This is a gym that has worked for me in the past and they kick arse big time. They know me, my history and injuries etc and I like them a lot. It is a small boutique gym which although not the cheapest ensures personal training at every workout. So you pay $60 a week whether you are there one day or all. I used to go to gym 5 days in the past and workout an hour and a half each time. Thanks to hubbys support, I will be able to make my way there post work whilst he picks up the littlie.

I have not yet figures why I dropped the ball - I think it might have to do with not having enough confidence in myself. Again this is something I am working on. I sometimes feel as though I drop the ball because it is easier to cop out than battle it out. That way I know I have failed whereas if I did fail inspite of doing my very best then maybe I would not be able to deal with it.

The key reason why I am trying to bounce back again is because it has been 2 weeks since I returned to work and in that time, three colleagues have lost their lives before their time. The one that sticks with me is a 45 year old or thereabouts who basically dropped dead in her kitchen. Although I sat next to her for 2 years and we were very different people, she was a very vibrant person - always very colourful, got her nails done weekly in different colours and designs, bright lipstick - no colour was too loud for her - her hair always different to the time before and so on. She leaves behind a 15 year old daughter and an 11 or 12 year old son. She was extremely proud of her kids. Having said that, she was also a tall, big woman. We had from time to time discussed diets and weight issues. It is highly likely that a weight related health issue might have been responsible for her passing and somehow I saw myself in her spot all week and imagined what life would be for a daughter growing up without her mum. I guess it did not help that quite by chance I ended up speaking to this colleague on the phone at work without intending to. She even asked me to send my daughters pics and emailed back saying that she was lovely. All week I have not slept too well as this has been playing on my mind. To an extent this has prompted me to join the gym and make another effort to work out and eat healthy. Added to this are the mood swings and nagging person I am becoming which I absolutely do not want to become. Hubby even mentioned how vibrant I used to be when I was at gym and it did not matter whether I had the results to show for it or not but I just was happier with myself and had so much more energy.

The plan now it to join gym within the next week and then go for it full throttle. It will mean sacrifices on behalf of hubby and me and to an extent our littlie. But I think if I look after myself then I will be able to look after them in a much happier manner. So wish me luck.

Thought for today: My GRAND plan

I dont know whether I have spoken about my goals are as specifically as this in the past. These goals are not bound by timelines although it would be nice to achieve 80% of them within the next 5 years. So here we go:

My Goals:

•  Lose 5% (6.25 Kilos) This will make me 118.75 kilos and my BMI 46.4
• Lose 10% (12.5 Kilos) This will make me 112.50 kilos and my BMI 43.9
• Lose 15% (18.75 Kilos) This will make me 106.25 kilos and my BMI 41.5
• Lose 20% (25 Kilos) This will make me 100.0 kilos and my BMI 39.1
• Get below 100 Kilos  When I lose 20% i e 25.01 kilos I will be below 100 kilos and my BMI 39.1
• Lose 30% 37.5 Kilos This will make me 87.5 kilos and my BMI 34.2
• Lose 35% 43.75 Kilos This will make me 81.25 kilos and my BMI 31.7
• Lose 40% 50 Kilos This will make me 75.00 kilos and my BMI 29.3
• Lose 45% 56.25 Kilos. This will make me 68.75 kilos and my BMI 26.9

• Run a 5K
• Run a 10K
• Get abs to die for
• Wear a dress
• One day run a half marathon
• Wear fitted clothes rather than loose ones I currently wear
• Successfully complete the 5 day cycling trip with hubby in Dec looking somewhat sexy and all

There are so many many more but just seeing  the above the message is loud and clear. Whatever I do the priority has to be to get to below 100 kilos. There would be huge and positive impact on lowering that deathly BMI from 46.4 to 39.1. Having done level one of Jillian Michaels shred level 1 today, I ahve realised that my fitness is nowhere near where it should be. I did cut myself slack by thinking that it was important to know where I was at and now that I know maybe this is anotgher kick in the arse to get me to do the 50 mins of exercise I am supposed to be doing. I will do this level one program at least twice a week and then also follow this up with a walk or cycle.
Its time to build the hunger and stoke the fires to succeed in mission health wealth :)

The week that was

This week has been interesting in that I did cave into a whole bar of Cadbury Mousse and hogged the whole thing. It did not satisfy me apart from the first piece I did have. Hence one thing I did work out was that chocolate is fast becoming a non craving food for me. I am hugely hormonal at present whilst waiting for my period and hence feel hungry a lot of the time. I have to be really disciplined for the rest of the week now since I sort of put a spanner in the works by eating the chocolate. I have been drinking 2 litres of water a day which is great and one less thing to achieve but exercise is still a chore. It being 34 degrees outside I am not really committed to getting out of the house and walking! Hopefully this will improve tomorrow when my daughter is back at childcare and I have the day to myself. I think I will bugger off for my walk first thing in the morning and get it out of the way. That way I do not have to worry about it at all for the rest of the day.

I was also spending time clearing my cupboard today and managed to get into some cotton pants I had not been able to get into too comfortably. I had even forgotten I possessed them until they showed up woohoo. I now have some jeans that I need to fit into. When I say fit into, what I really mean is to get into the item well enough to wear it outside without having to hold my tummy in or avoiding sitting down. So I now have a list of items waiting in the wings for me to wear in the coming months.

25/01/12
Its only Wed and it seems a bit difficult. For one I have got my period and so surprise surprise I am in the perenially hungry stage. I was hungry and so luckily had some pre-prepared plain yoghurt in fridge in which I had added passionfruit. So I dug that out and added some raspberries et voila! Did it hit the spot? No. Did it take away the hunger pangs? Yes. So now the feeling I have can be associated more with feelings of craving rather than hunger. This is probably the first time I have been able to understand and more importantly FEEL  the difference between the two. The boundaries between craving nand hunger have been so blurred that I have not been able to tell the difference. Maybe I am consciously thinking about whether it is one or the other that it worked this time. Another strategy that worked was that although I was not sure whether I was genuinely hungry or whether I was craving something sweet was to eat something healthy (yoghurt and berries works for me) and then wait 5 mins post eating. I felt I was full and could tell that I had craved something sweet and that I was no longer hungry.

 However, I did have a mini meltdown when I walked into Coles today. I went in to buy some smoked salmon or something like that. Then I noticed that Sara Lee icecream tubs were on special at $4 instead of the usual $9. I promptly grabbed 2 tubs, 'Rocky Road Overload' and 'Ultra Chocolate' thinking I would keep it in the freezer for guests (yeah imaginary ones since we had no guest plans this week) and how could one resist such a super special offer. I did a little walkabout and then the brain took over. Can u trust that u will not touch it and that this icecream will stay in the freezer for guests only? Do u remember the deal with hubby that none of you would bring any contraband into the house until you are ready or decide jointly? You are doing well for the first time in decades and why are you putting yourself in a position where you might succumb in a weaker moment? You had said that till the 31 Jan you would try and do ur best. This isn't going to be your best is it? On and on the reel in my brain went. I ended up deciding to put back the icecream. I could not trust myself with it. Not yet anyway. That settled it for me. Having identified I could not be trusted with ice cream, I got really frustrated with the situation and went into the chocolate aisle and noticed that the Cadbury's family bars were still on special. 2 for $6 only. I grabbed Cadbury's chocolate Mousse and Cadburys Caramel Mousse. I knew this was not right and just could not for the first time in my life physically walk out with the chocolates and pay for them and so I put them back. I then decided to ALLOW myself to have a little bar or a freddo frog. But I guess my brain must have not fully done the ALLOWING as I just could not buy the little bar.

It was agonising because I realised there seemed to  be a little filter in my brain growing all the time that was questioning my choices where dessert was concerned. Each time I do have something sweet, however small, a question has popped up right after I finished it. Was this worth it in terms of taste? Were the calories worth having?I am finding that the sweetness was increasingly becoming unsatisfactory and not hitting the spot like it used to in the past (even if for a moment). I was losing something that had become a companion and this felt strange and sad. I came home and rang hubby and as I was telling him about it, I burst into tears. I felt a keen sense of deprivation and loss - or maybe I was just being a sooky la la.

Once I had relaxed a bit I realised that what I had just done was huge - I had never ever resisted before and if I had it had always bitten me in the bum by careering me towards yet another binge. I had succeeded in saying no and I needed to give myself credit (something I am still working on). So since I have done that I have been feeling more and more proud of myself. I know this was a taste of how difficult things will get but then if I am finding the sweetness cloying I can only hope that it will hopefully continue to feel so and the mind will catch up eventually with reinforcement and self belief.

As you know I have decided not to weigh myself until 28 Feb (which is when my next appointment is with the psychologist and the naturopath - I will still do a weekly blog but have a different set of goals until weigh day. So my goal for the week is to drink 2 litres of water everyday and to write out my food diary.

Meanwhile, yesterday when I had my meeting with the naturopath and psychologist, they were really pleased with my progress. I have lost 5 kilos and this is without the exercise. The naturopath reckons that once I do the 50 mins a day, it will simply peel off. So I just need to be more conscious of that and go from there. Another landmark is that I have broken out of the 120's and am now 119.8 kilos. Obviously this means I have had a weightloss of a mere 200 gms but I do not think for a moment that the scales have a venbdetta against me. I think that my chocolate and some unaccounted for carbs explain this. In fact I think I am even lucky that there has not been a weight increase which would/could have shattered me. So bottomline: great there has been a loss and even greater that I am no longer in the 120s but be more disciplined.

So until I blog again - all the best of health and happiness to all...I know that I have at least 2 readers so lets go kill some more weight.