This week has been interesting in that I did cave into a whole bar of Cadbury Mousse and hogged the whole thing. It did not satisfy me apart from the first piece I did have. Hence one thing I did work out was that chocolate is fast becoming a non craving food for me. I am hugely hormonal at present whilst waiting for my period and hence feel hungry a lot of the time. I have to be really disciplined for the rest of the week now since I sort of put a spanner in the works by eating the chocolate. I have been drinking 2 litres of water a day which is great and one less thing to achieve but exercise is still a chore. It being 34 degrees outside I am not really committed to getting out of the house and walking! Hopefully this will improve tomorrow when my daughter is back at childcare and I have the day to myself. I think I will bugger off for my walk first thing in the morning and get it out of the way. That way I do not have to worry about it at all for the rest of the day.
I was also spending time clearing my cupboard today and managed to get into some cotton pants I had not been able to get into too comfortably. I had even forgotten I possessed them until they showed up woohoo. I now have some jeans that I need to fit into. When I say fit into, what I really mean is to get into the item well enough to wear it outside without having to hold my tummy in or avoiding sitting down. So I now have a list of items waiting in the wings for me to wear in the coming months.
25/01/12
Its only Wed and it seems a bit difficult. For one I have got my period and so surprise surprise I am in the perenially hungry stage. I was hungry and so luckily had some pre-prepared plain yoghurt in fridge in which I had added passionfruit. So I dug that out and added some raspberries et voila! Did it hit the spot? No. Did it take away the hunger pangs? Yes. So now the feeling I have can be associated more with feelings of craving rather than hunger. This is probably the first time I have been able to understand and more importantly FEEL the difference between the two. The boundaries between craving nand hunger have been so blurred that I have not been able to tell the difference. Maybe I am consciously thinking about whether it is one or the other that it worked this time. Another strategy that worked was that although I was not sure whether I was genuinely hungry or whether I was craving something sweet was to eat something healthy (yoghurt and berries works for me) and then wait 5 mins post eating. I felt I was full and could tell that I had craved something sweet and that I was no longer hungry.
However, I did have a mini meltdown when I walked into Coles today. I went in to buy some smoked salmon or something like that. Then I noticed that Sara Lee icecream tubs were on special at $4 instead of the usual $9. I promptly grabbed 2 tubs, 'Rocky Road Overload' and 'Ultra Chocolate' thinking I would keep it in the freezer for guests (yeah imaginary ones since we had no guest plans this week) and how could one resist such a super special offer. I did a little walkabout and then the brain took over. Can u trust that u will not touch it and that this icecream will stay in the freezer for guests only? Do u remember the deal with hubby that none of you would bring any contraband into the house until you are ready or decide jointly? You are doing well for the first time in decades and why are you putting yourself in a position where you might succumb in a weaker moment? You had said that till the 31 Jan you would try and do ur best. This isn't going to be your best is it? On and on the reel in my brain went. I ended up deciding to put back the icecream. I could not trust myself with it. Not yet anyway. That settled it for me. Having identified I could not be trusted with ice cream, I got really frustrated with the situation and went into the chocolate aisle and noticed that the Cadbury's family bars were still on special. 2 for $6 only. I grabbed Cadbury's chocolate Mousse and Cadburys Caramel Mousse. I knew this was not right and just could not for the first time in my life physically walk out with the chocolates and pay for them and so I put them back. I then decided to ALLOW myself to have a little bar or a freddo frog. But I guess my brain must have not fully done the ALLOWING as I just could not buy the little bar.
It was agonising because I realised there seemed to be a little filter in my brain growing all the time that was questioning my choices where dessert was concerned. Each time I do have something sweet, however small, a question has popped up right after I finished it. Was this worth it in terms of taste? Were the calories worth having?I am finding that the sweetness was increasingly becoming unsatisfactory and not hitting the spot like it used to in the past (even if for a moment). I was losing something that had become a companion and this felt strange and sad. I came home and rang hubby and as I was telling him about it, I burst into tears. I felt a keen sense of deprivation and loss - or maybe I was just being a sooky la la.
Once I had relaxed a bit I realised that what I had just done was huge - I had never ever resisted before and if I had it had always bitten me in the bum by careering me towards yet another binge. I had succeeded in saying no and I needed to give myself credit (something I am still working on). So since I have done that I have been feeling more and more proud of myself. I know this was a taste of how difficult things will get but then if I am finding the sweetness cloying I can only hope that it will hopefully continue to feel so and the mind will catch up eventually with reinforcement and self belief.
As you know I have decided not to weigh myself until 28 Feb (which is when my next appointment is with the psychologist and the naturopath - I will still do a weekly blog but have a different set of goals until weigh day. So my goal for the week is to drink 2 litres of water everyday and to write out my food diary.
Meanwhile, yesterday when I had my meeting with the naturopath and psychologist, they were really pleased with my progress. I have lost 5 kilos and this is without the exercise. The naturopath reckons that once I do the 50 mins a day, it will simply peel off. So I just need to be more conscious of that and go from there. Another landmark is that I have broken out of the 120's and am now 119.8 kilos. Obviously this means I have had a weightloss of a mere 200 gms but I do not think for a moment that the scales have a venbdetta against me. I think that my chocolate and some unaccounted for carbs explain this. In fact I think I am even lucky that there has not been a weight increase which would/could have shattered me. So bottomline: great there has been a loss and even greater that I am no longer in the 120s but be more disciplined.
So until I blog again - all the best of health and happiness to all...I know that I have at least 2 readers so lets go kill some more weight.
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