And we all fall down.....(those seeking positive vibes need not read further)

Things haven't been all rosy since I last blogged. I visited my surgeon regarding my ankle last week. In summary, I had an old old injury which ended up being operated last year. Although the ankle is heaps better than what it had been over the years, apparently it is still swollen 6 months later which is not normal. The surgeon sent me to get an ultrasound and then reported that there was a lump which needed to be removed.
The surgery has been scheduled for Monday morning - tomorrow.

The ankle bit is like a golf ball. This is my ankle on a good day.

Since I got this news, I have been looking up tumours etc and all things bad, sad and negative....absolutely sad morbid stuff that has no place in my life. I have noticed closely how precious it is to be alive.  And then there are moments where I feel I need to write down recipes for if I am no more - basically I have become a drama queen in my own head. I keep hearing the surgeon saying that he had never seen a lump like this. He feels it seems like a knob of butter type of texture from the feel he got. Then there was me thinking, I am so fat that there is no other place for the fat to be layered on my body and so it has trickled down to my ankle and there is this crazy part of me that logically knows it cannot be true but deep down thinks that maybe in the case of my body it is. This lump or gel like thing will be sent off for testing so even though the lump will be removed we won't know until the tests are done as to what it is. On the other hand, if it isn't anything to worry about does that mean that without the golf ball look my ankle has had, it will walk better? Apparently the surgery is minor and will not involve a plaster like last time.

My emotional health meanwhile has been oscillating between throwing in the towel and trying to be consistent in being healthy. I have put a pause on my gym membership for two weeks which might end up being three weeks depending on recovery. Foodwise I am not feeling the best, I am feeling carbed up, not drinking enough water and basically feel I am losing control of myself and I keep oscillating between feeling in control and not feeling in control with the latter being more present. I have not weighed myself and I do not want to know. I am dreading that bloody hospital form where it asks how much I weigh. The eternal decision of should I lie and say I am 95 kilos instead of 118? Will they notice the difference? And if I write 95 will they weigh me as normal procedure? I hate this and I will never put myself in this position again to feel like a beast being taken to slaughter.

So thats how I am cruising this week. On the other hand there are blog I have been reading of people who are doing well on their journeys and again it comes down to the one thing - they are not perfect or from another planet. They are human but they are MOSTLY CONSISTENT. I guess this is the big lesson I keep learning. One does not have to be perfect - just better at being consistent and results do show.