I dropped the ball

I have been missing from my blog for a while now Feb 7th being the last blog. I think I got caught up with everything else and dropped the ball.

Ever since my psych and naturopath appointment, I felt this pressure to perform. No doubt pressure I had placed on myself. But I just could not handle it. We had decided that on my daughters birthday I would eat ONE piece of cake and then get rid of the remainder so there was none at home for me to go on eating. To an extent I did this but it took a while to get rid of this cake as it ended up being a 4 kilo (maybe more) monster. My bestie offered to do the cake as she loves to bake. It was a delicious cake shaped like a butterfly but it was really massive. I boxed most of the cake in 3 boxes one each for hubby and me to take to work for workmates and another one for mny daughters childcare workers. It took us 3 days to get rid of all this and even then there was some left over and of course I was open for the cake eating business. I did what I ahve done for years - ate and ate till I was sick but continued to eat it. With each bite I blamed myself for eating it but could not find it in me to stop. Eventually I did - but that was because the cake finished.

Since then I have been trying to take stock of my weight issues again and since then have weighed 119.4 and it is through no trying on my part. I thought I would have been back to where I started as I did get out of control a bit. Why the change I wondered? and that too a reduction? I then realised that was because I went back to work after my holidays and that means a quick 600 m walk to the train station and another 12-15 mins from station to work and back. Possibly this minimum movement on my part counteracted the cake eating binge. Although I am grateful for the loss, I am certainly not feeling any sense of achievement apart from a sigh of relief. In the same time I have also started eating carb like never before and feel yucky and stodgy. I think it works differently for everyone and I believe that while there can be no stock standard response to weightloss as - STOP EATING CARB AND YOU SHALL LOSE WEIGHT - I think for me, my body likes less carb as it feels lighter and bowel movements are better, I have more energy and vibrancy, skin tone is all aglow etc.

So meanwhile I am still thinking of staggering my next appointment with the naturopath and catching up with her in 6 weeks. In these 6 weeks, IF I can stay focussed I will be back at gym hauling my arse there and working out like never before. This is a gym that has worked for me in the past and they kick arse big time. They know me, my history and injuries etc and I like them a lot. It is a small boutique gym which although not the cheapest ensures personal training at every workout. So you pay $60 a week whether you are there one day or all. I used to go to gym 5 days in the past and workout an hour and a half each time. Thanks to hubbys support, I will be able to make my way there post work whilst he picks up the littlie.

I have not yet figures why I dropped the ball - I think it might have to do with not having enough confidence in myself. Again this is something I am working on. I sometimes feel as though I drop the ball because it is easier to cop out than battle it out. That way I know I have failed whereas if I did fail inspite of doing my very best then maybe I would not be able to deal with it.

The key reason why I am trying to bounce back again is because it has been 2 weeks since I returned to work and in that time, three colleagues have lost their lives before their time. The one that sticks with me is a 45 year old or thereabouts who basically dropped dead in her kitchen. Although I sat next to her for 2 years and we were very different people, she was a very vibrant person - always very colourful, got her nails done weekly in different colours and designs, bright lipstick - no colour was too loud for her - her hair always different to the time before and so on. She leaves behind a 15 year old daughter and an 11 or 12 year old son. She was extremely proud of her kids. Having said that, she was also a tall, big woman. We had from time to time discussed diets and weight issues. It is highly likely that a weight related health issue might have been responsible for her passing and somehow I saw myself in her spot all week and imagined what life would be for a daughter growing up without her mum. I guess it did not help that quite by chance I ended up speaking to this colleague on the phone at work without intending to. She even asked me to send my daughters pics and emailed back saying that she was lovely. All week I have not slept too well as this has been playing on my mind. To an extent this has prompted me to join the gym and make another effort to work out and eat healthy. Added to this are the mood swings and nagging person I am becoming which I absolutely do not want to become. Hubby even mentioned how vibrant I used to be when I was at gym and it did not matter whether I had the results to show for it or not but I just was happier with myself and had so much more energy.

The plan now it to join gym within the next week and then go for it full throttle. It will mean sacrifices on behalf of hubby and me and to an extent our littlie. But I think if I look after myself then I will be able to look after them in a much happier manner. So wish me luck.